Choosing To Live So Others May Too

There is a story about this picture…

Here is a structure that never ceases to amaze me with it’s beauty and it’s strength.

A bit of history for you- it was built in 1907-1908, and the man responsible for the build did not believe it would hold a train, so he ended up taking his own life by jumping from the bridge (this bridge is still in operations, with trains passing over multiple times a day). Over time, this bridge would become a staple for many other people who were unhappy and did not see any other way out, than taking their own life. I was one of those people, but thankfully, I am still here to share my story.

I had my first bought of suicide ideation in junior high, when I was about 13-14 years old. I was bullied in school, and only had one close friend. Unfortunate familial events had my one and only friend have to move out of the country as they were at risk. I remember thinking “what am I going to do without my friend. I can’t continue to show my face at school and be treated the way I am being treated, especially without her”. I was taunted in class.

Girls would called a monkey because of my ears, they would constantly whisper about me in class, and on the bus they would throw things at me, to the point where I would stop taking the bus and walk home (which took three hours to get home due to being across the city). Another student threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot me, then went to the principal and said I threatened to throw her down the stairs. I was maybe 90 pounds soaking wet at this time, and wouldn’t hurt a fly. My emotions and self-worth were depleting, and I didn’t know how much more I could take.

It didn’t help that when I came home, I had another bout of issues. It was the feeling of never being good enough for my father. It felt like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. I longed for the validation from him. I would see him celebrate my sister’s success with high fives when she shared her grades on tests. I would observe, wondering what more I could do to get that same reaction. I wasn’t a high achiever back then, I was merely surviving school. Getting good grades was not necessarily on my radar, and I was focusing on passing with a mere 50%, and navigating the bullying and what chaos would ensue that day. I walked around feeling very small, unloved, and unworthy.

I came home one day from school and told my mom I could no longer go. My journal entries towards my hate for life were becoming overwhelming. I could not see good or positivity anywhere that I looked. This is the first time suicide crossed my mind. I wanted the hurt, pain and abandonment to go away. My mom was always an advocate for me, and we made a plan to look into other schools. This was my last hope.

I knew a girl from another south side school and we would spend hours on the phone. She encouraged me to go to her school, however, there were no openings, especially because I was not in the area and was enrolled in a school already. I finally got into a school on the north side, although I remember the vice principal telling us “we cannot guarantee that bullying won’t happen here too”. I remained hopeful this would be a fresh start.

Grade 9 at my new school went well. There were still groups of people, such as the popular kids, the “skids” and many other labelled groups, but I felt a lot safer here. Even the popular kid’s did not have this ego about them like the kids in my former school. I met two guy friends who would become my best friends for years to come. But I would be hit with another difficult year, my final year of high school.

I remained on the north side for high school too.

Girls can be so mean and vicious.

They just don’t let things go. I was friends with a few different groups, but one was far more difficult than the other. Some girls would go between others and make up lies. One day I was surrounded by girls who threatened to beat me up. This scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to go to school anymore for fear or what would happen.

I heard rumours one of the girls threw another one out of a moving vehicle. I didn’t know how to fight, I’d never been in a fight, nor did I even like the thought of fighting. I ended up leaving school for a period of time and doing school from home. I felt isolated, but at least a bit safer. The drama continued. It got to the point where one of the girls and I had the police involved and a restraining order was put into place.

I continued to do schooling at home. Suicide became a prominent thought, and one that was overwhelming and occupying a lot of space in my head. “What if I wasn’t here anymore, how would that feel?” I was so numb to the world. I would sit at the table, my mom would try to talk to me, but I was so disinterested in engaging in conversation, because in my mind, the thoughts of suicide were rampant.

I eventually made a plan, and wrote a note. I was going to jump the bridge. My mom found the note before I took any action, and I was brought into school to meet with the police, school counsellor and my mom. I was placed under suicide watch for a period of time, and was not to be left alone. A lot of what happened next was a blur. But I made a choice to stay on this earth, and I am so glad I did.

It was a few weeks before grad, and I had returned to school to finish my classes. Grad parties were looming. I decided I would attend a grad party with my two guy friends. There were apologies made by some of my bullies, and I felt this was going to be a good end to my grade 12 year. Was I glad I chose to stay. Little did I know, one of the girls would continue to apologize to me, years after the fact, indicating that had no idea the impact that her behaviours had on my mental health. What’s even more interesting and funny as I look back, I was in her wedding party line up as a bridesmaid a few years after graduation.

What an opportunity to engage in reflection, and a lesson I wouldn’t have learned if I didn’t choose to stay. Through every choice I made to stay, I learned many lessons along the way. Lessons that I am choosing to share more openly, so that others may choose to live too.

Today, I stand in awe of this bridge. It is no longer a tool I consider as a means to end my life, but a resource that inspires me to keep going. The strength and perseverance of the bridge, is reflected in the way I show up in my own life.